He’s changing. His face has always seemed a little bit alien to me, angled in a way that no other person I’m related to angles. Tink, his lines are soft ,a little round and whilst the image is not born of our family, it has always felt comfortable. Stig has an edge to his bone structure. I marvel at his face often, the beauty, the distinction, the steely strength of his face, the defiance it is capable of holding.
Recently I see it changing, the weight of a young child with trauma is being replaced with an adolescent wired by his trauma. A man, in his earliest form, is emerging from the face I behold. A faint whisper of hair, a definition of jaw and a deepening sense of defiance. Those eyes could lose me forever in a world where I drive myself crazy trying to determine their voice.
He’s struggling with his sense of belonging; the early signs of adolescence bring a mind filled with the questions,
“Who am I?”
“Where do I belong?”
And yet there is a maturity which shows a greater awareness of self, beginning to understand the role he plays in his own life. Making choices to his benefit and not always challenging or reacting to the impulses which are so hard to regulate.
Yet some impulses are wild and yet untamed, the desires of a boy beginning puberty has brought a want to explore the world of sex on the internet. Inappropriate and shocking he seems to be unable to keep himself safe if the opportunity arises.
Every electronic device is now on lock down, pin or password protected and in a safe locked place at night. He seems calmer knowing these firm boundaries are in place and he can sleep without wondering if there is the slightest possibility.
His changing face stirs anxieties within me, worries about how he is processing his history and understanding of his place in his new family. I can only keep giving him the love I have for him and guide him where he will allow me to.
I no longer kid myself that the future is going to be easy and some day this will all be over, however I am starting to feel increasingly able to cope with this future. The hopelessness is dispersing.
As I drink in this boys changing face I am also filled with many hopes for his future, he has the capacity to overcome the challenges that lie ahead, especially with me by his side.