Freedom

freedomFreedom is something I dream of, something that seems beyond attainment at the moment, just out of reach. Freedom looks like a beautiful oil slicked bubble, sun kissed and floating wistfully on the breeze. Bejewelled in the glint of the summer sun, I wish to be that beautiful and care free bubble.

I struggle with the freedom thing, there is a clue within the word FREE… dom.  I think I’ve always been one that likes things a little their own way, from youthful years. I didn’t always conform in opinions and appearance as a teenager, I didn’t mind being different. Being an individual releases you from the shackles of peer pressure, you are free.

In my twenties, house music and Manchester club land was my freedom. Part of something new and exciting I relished the hedonistic lifestyle that came with this musical revolution. Dancing the night away would still seem like the ultimate expression of freedom for me.

Later our relationship had freedom, Mr H and I enjoyed drunken nights and lazy Sundays, joys that encompass a child free lifestyle.

Work, a job brings a responsibility but beyond the structure of your vocation time is yours, there is still freedom.

Being a parent offers little freedom. Being the parent of children living with early life trauma offers me no freedom. I’m faced daily, hourly with the responsibility of my children. All waking hours I feel the responsibility of my children and it anchors me to this spot.  There is no drifting in abandonment, no blissful carefree moments. Not at the moment.

I know it’s a problem. I can’t let go.

I can’t forget.

They do not have to be with me, they can be absent for 24 hours or more but I can’t forget.  I am tethered securely to each off them.  I want to be tethered to them. I don’t trust anyone else with them.

They don’t keep me here, I could have opportunities to be free, but right now I’m too afraid.

The free spirit within feels stifled and unable to breath but I’m too afraid to allow myself to be free.

What if I don’t want to come back?

 

10 Comments

  1. Mrs Family of 5 April 6, 2014 / 6:29 pm

    Beautifully written!

    I’ve had this conversation with myself so many times.

    Get a job, you need something else to focus on, I say.
    But what if I enjoy it so much I loose the will power to continue to battle with the trauma.

    Join a social club, you need something for you, I say.
    But who am I?

    Sign up for a training course, it’ll be fun!
    But what if I enjoy it so much it makes me feel even more unhappy at home.

    Love this post, thank you for writing it! Xx

    • thepuffindiaries April 6, 2014 / 6:33 pm

      I know exactly how you feel. But I’m thinking I need to bite the bullet soon before i’m lost completely. xxx

  2. Honeymummy April 6, 2014 / 6:51 pm

    As always, so brilliantly written.

    My bid for ‘freedom’ was completing a level 1 DDP gaining course. No I have no idea what to do with it.

    Thank you for sharing your #WASO post

    • thepuffindiaries April 6, 2014 / 6:54 pm

      Well Family of Five and I are planning a Thelma and Louise type escape, come along. xx

  3. 3girlstogether April 6, 2014 / 7:38 pm

    This is beautiful. It encapsulates perfectly how so many of us feel. I long to be that bubble floating in the sunshine. But I fear I would float off and not want to return.

    And I feel the heavy weight of living daily with 2 traumatised children. I’m trying not to be crushed by it. Trying…

    Thank you for sharing such beautiful words

  4. Amanda Boorman April 7, 2014 / 1:34 am

    I love your writing so beautiful and poetic it always moves me. As a survival technique when feeling a bit trapped and lost in it all I used to think in chapters. The present state was a chapter in a bigger story. Your independent spirit will keep you free and soon will be the chapter when you can dance the night away again. xxx

  5. Emma April 8, 2014 / 10:51 am

    I hope you find some temporary freedom, a state of me time – even if it’s just for a few hours until you feel comfortable with slightly longer. I think this is something most of us mother’s have wished for from time to time. You are not alone in it xx

  6. older mum in a muddle April 8, 2014 / 10:14 pm

    Wonderful post…. and I hear you loud and clear, there is so little freedom as a parent, not even physical or mental freedom, the worry will always be there. I think this is one of the biggest shocks in becoming a parent – the loss of life before. And I have wanted to run away many times – it’s normal to feel like that sometimes, parenting is such bloody hard work – even harder in your course. Always know you are doing the very best you can and that you are succeeding although it might not look like it at the time. Big hugs to you. XXX

    • thepuffindiaries April 9, 2014 / 9:37 am

      Thank you, it helps when others can relate because it makes me feel more normal. You are always wonderfully supportive.xxx

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