Slipping

slipping

Things are slipping; I can feel the earth beneath my feet crumbling and as a vile taste of nausea has become lodged in the back of my throat, my balance is being rocked. A heady dizziness stifles my thoughts and I’m not entirely sure what to do or how to behave. I’ve lost my footing and my clouded judgement has left me wavering on the edge.  It has crept upon us again, this difficult patch, stealth like, different aspects of our life have been gently pushing us toward the edge of the slippery slope.

 As Mr H and I put more distance between our recent NHS sessions of CBT therapy, the void of no one to speak to, to guide us, has seen us tripping back into old habits. Try as we may, the weight of negativity is pushing down on those fledgling strategies that can manipulate our minds. I’d say we both needed more time, someone there made a big difference to us, but the NHS say we’ve had our lot. For now anyway.

The resentment is on both sides. I for his work, the ability to turn off and re-focus, even walk away to a business event, a night away in other people’s company. For him, his need for support in the work place and emotional arena is met with an unwavering priority for the children. The reality is a man down on his knees with the financial responsibility of this family and a mother unsure how much more she can take.  We need each other but constantly repel each other.

The children have reached new phases of difficulty, not separately but at the same time. Tink has finally decided that school is not for him and ramped up the challenging behaviour whilst there. Stig is moody and defiant again; a child who seems to have the weight of the world on his shoulders but is unprepared/ able to share. Both are spoiling for a fight with everyone and anyone, making it hard for me to look people in the eye during the school run. Real or not I imagine parents staring and thinking/saying there’s the mother who can’t control, doesn’t discipline her unruly children, and worse.

I feel the need to remove myself from society and real life, as I immerse myself into the world where I know I’m understood, twitter friends, fellow adopters. It’s my own take on things, I know it’s not the reality, but my children’s trauma has created a trauma in me. Like them I have a skewed perception of reality and have created my own coping strategies. I’m removing the vulnerable factors in my life.

Sleep comes in short bursts which satisfies extreme fatigue, but what then follows is restless tossing and turning of a body tense to the core. Awake I’m going over and over the conversations, what I should have done what I shouldn’t have done, on a relentless loop. Eventually there is sobbing in the dark.  The tiredness obviously acts as a catalyst to the ill considered parenting approach and does not aid therapeutic mum.

But wait a moment, there is a light. As I teeter on that edge, strength at my core pulls me upright again. It’s unfortunately not endless yoga and palates creating this strength, but a chemical numbing of the depressive state. Breathless anxiety has been replaced by a desensitisation that only anti-depressants can deliver. Thank god. I can take a breath, think logically.

Logically, it’s only a couple of weeks ago when things were going well, we can reclaim that.

I feel the gently tap of friendship on my shoulder, the reminder that there are those who can help.

My mum, my shining beacon of none wavering, being there.

Friends that offer escape and kindness, not knowing the full extent of what goes on is often a bonus when escapism is needed.

Each other, we’ve come through rocky times before, we will move through this patch too.

The warm embraces that my children bring to me, arms stretched wide, they seek my love. For that I am eternally grateful and it still deepens my love for them, daily.

I know that we just have to get through this week. Mr H and I have allocated some time to regroup next week. He has to deliver this final event for some time and I just need to keep my head down on the front line of parenting. Survival is the game for now but not the long term plan. Tomorrow, next week things will improve again.

19 Comments

  1. Mumdrah March 19, 2014 / 5:18 pm

    Know that you are loved.
    That while slipping or standing firm you are a shining light who leads and inspires and cares.
    That whether getting it right, or tripping up, you are a great and solid parent to your boys.
    That it’s all a cyclical process; for a while you are here, just a step away from the better place over there.

    It’s tough. Never ending days full of tough and demand and challenge. And we are here beside you for that all the way. You are loved, beautiful Sarah xxx

    • thepuffindiaries March 19, 2014 / 5:33 pm

      Thank you, such kind words. I don’t really feel like we will fall in, but coming close is frightening enough. I know you get it. xxxx

  2. Mrs Family of 5 March 19, 2014 / 5:45 pm

    I could have written this myself, in fact I touched home so much that I shared it with MrFO5.

    I don’t have any wise words, just lots of warm, snugly hugs x

    • thepuffindiaries March 19, 2014 / 6:27 pm

      Thank you, knowing you are not alone is the best support. xx

  3. Suddenly Mummy March 19, 2014 / 7:01 pm

    If you fall, we will catch you, we’ll be waiting – time after time….

    It’s only virtual I’m afraid, but we have ears and shoulders for listening and crying on x

    • thepuffindiaries March 19, 2014 / 7:39 pm

      What a gorgeous reply, thank you. I do not have any problems with virtual support, it is often the best. xx

  4. older mum in a muddle March 19, 2014 / 8:55 pm

    So sorry to hear that things have been so tough again of late; the situation you find yourself in with your husband, I have been there many a time with mine. Glad you are taking the medication and regaining resilience – anti depressants can be very helpful in preventing the entire ship from sinking and to help gain objectivity and detachment over yourself and life; I know this as I’m taking them myself! X

    • thepuffindiaries March 19, 2014 / 9:17 pm

      Thank you so much for your support, we are not going to sink, of that I am sure. I hope it’s a post more about my resilience than my inability to cope. xx

  5. Pickle's Mummy March 19, 2014 / 10:12 pm

    Gosh this was hard to read on so many levels. It’s so hard when you’re in such a dark place…but things will ease up. Just know that you are supported, as one person said even if virtual, we are hear to listen and understand. Sending love and understanding xxxx

  6. Chris March 19, 2014 / 10:58 pm

    Adding my voice. It will end as you know & you will get through it. The good thing about hard times is that they finish I guess. Keep that mind & look after yourselves. x

  7. helloitsgemma March 20, 2014 / 1:00 pm

    honesty and a perspective must surely be crucial for getting through difficult periods. You have both in spades. am hugely admiring of your ability to share and articulate difficult times. sod the other parents, no child is an island, no child is perfect, your children may be challenging now but next week it could be theirs. You are a mother more than doing her best.

    • thepuffindiaries March 20, 2014 / 8:53 pm

      Thank you, I always find it easy to share what I know may help others.xx

  8. Honeymuumy March 20, 2014 / 4:08 pm

    The fact that you have some how found the capacity to recognise and allow yourself the permission to admit that this week you are finding it so hard and that with support and a little space for both of you to ‘regroup’, demonstrates to me what I have learnt over the time I have been reading your posts.
    You are an incredible woman and I have so much respect for how open and honest you are. Even at times when anyone would forgive you for saying “I have fallen down and I don’t know if I can get up”, you find that glimmer of light and get back up again. Swimming against the tide is tiring but somehow you keep going.
    (Sorry probably sounds a bit scrappy)
    Big {{hugs}} to you both

    H x

    • thepuffindiaries March 20, 2014 / 8:51 pm

      Not scrappy at all but kind and very supportive, thank you. xxx

  9. plumstickle March 21, 2014 / 2:52 pm

    This could have been me too. I am going to share it on my FB page in the absence of my own blog, I see you encourage that, for which I’m very grateful.

    It’s ok to have virtual friends who understand this part of you as well as those who know other sides of you. Just because we haven’t met doesn’t mean we aren’t real. I’m always telling my child I am his real parent, even tho I didn’t give birth to him. The whole mixed up mess, the leaps, backward steps, peaks and troughs of it are all different kinds of real. It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job anyway. And you express all those dilemmas reeeally well. Take heart from the positives. Be easy on yourself x

    • thepuffindiaries March 21, 2014 / 3:00 pm

      It’s important to be honest, it’s the way we can help each other. For me life and all it throws at us has been much easier with my virtual friends at my side. I think it’s important to offer each other support, especially in a world where we, and our families are often misunderstood. Thank you for yours. xx

  10. Emma March 21, 2014 / 9:33 pm

    If you ever need to chat to someone completely impartial, and someone away from your network of close friends, please please do get in touch. Sending you a hug.

  11. lindsay May 4, 2014 / 4:47 am

    I can’t believe I”m only reading this now…it’s a wild catch up Saturday night for me. Your honesty and raw words could be my own. We have been slipping ourselves over here; it always seems to happen every few months. Then there is big crescendo, lots of tears and a reset button that gets pushed before it all starts over again.
    I hope you have found your reset button.
    can you feel it? i just hugged you:)

    • thepuffindiaries May 6, 2014 / 6:06 pm

      Thank you for your hug. I definitely did feel it. Hope you have managed to hang on. xx

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